Sunday, February 24, 2008
Operation Snap Out of It
What a difference muscle relaxants and sleep make. It may only be a slight difference, but today I actually felt a familiar - and missed - sense of optimism and energy. I woke up today, ran through the routine of checking for tension, and couldn't find it. For the first time in a long time I didn't wake up in a clinch. This week I managed to have several mostly good nights of sleep (which have included some very strange dreams) thanks to the muscle relaxant my doctor prescribed.
The physical therapists are noting progress and I can feel it. I have nine more visits and between now and the last one, I'm launching Operation Snap Out of It. I'm returning to a healthier diet and my quest to lose fifteen more pounds. I'm revisiting my account at The Daily Plate (keb1717 is my id for anyone who'd like to link up) which is a great way to track calorie intake. I'm also re-starting yoga - that is I will when I can figure out how to get my thrity year old Sony upstairs. I have a couple of good yoga tapes and the upstairs loft will make a good spot for Tranquility Base.
I've bought a blood-pressure device. I was very alarmed on my last visit to the doctor when my blood pressure read out at 154/91 - danger Will Robinson. My doctor suggested doing a daily monitoring of the BP for a month and, because I couldn't seem to get my ass to her office every day, I opted for purchasing a device. Of course I went high tech with one I can plug into the computer and download the data. Today's reading was a much better 124/82.
I'm understanding a bit more the why-fors and the where-fors of my misery. Eventually I may write about it in more detail - more for myself than for anyone else. Part of the process has involved a gradual shedding of my "other self" (no - I'm not Sybil... not multiple personalities that I'm aware of), or rather my other internet self. That self has not done much to enhance my life of late and I think I've been experiencing a sort of reluctant mourning over letting it go.
I'm very grateful for the few of my internet pals who come by this little corner of the interwebs from time to time and for those of you who have given me encouragement and support. I don't make friends easily, but I treasure the few I have, near and far. Thanks for sticking around!
And now - I have a salad in the fridge and some V8 fusion to guzzle. 'Til next time....
The physical therapists are noting progress and I can feel it. I have nine more visits and between now and the last one, I'm launching Operation Snap Out of It. I'm returning to a healthier diet and my quest to lose fifteen more pounds. I'm revisiting my account at The Daily Plate (keb1717 is my id for anyone who'd like to link up) which is a great way to track calorie intake. I'm also re-starting yoga - that is I will when I can figure out how to get my thrity year old Sony upstairs. I have a couple of good yoga tapes and the upstairs loft will make a good spot for Tranquility Base.
I've bought a blood-pressure device. I was very alarmed on my last visit to the doctor when my blood pressure read out at 154/91 - danger Will Robinson. My doctor suggested doing a daily monitoring of the BP for a month and, because I couldn't seem to get my ass to her office every day, I opted for purchasing a device. Of course I went high tech with one I can plug into the computer and download the data. Today's reading was a much better 124/82.
I'm understanding a bit more the why-fors and the where-fors of my misery. Eventually I may write about it in more detail - more for myself than for anyone else. Part of the process has involved a gradual shedding of my "other self" (no - I'm not Sybil... not multiple personalities that I'm aware of), or rather my other internet self. That self has not done much to enhance my life of late and I think I've been experiencing a sort of reluctant mourning over letting it go.
I'm very grateful for the few of my internet pals who come by this little corner of the interwebs from time to time and for those of you who have given me encouragement and support. I don't make friends easily, but I treasure the few I have, near and far. Thanks for sticking around!
And now - I have a salad in the fridge and some V8 fusion to guzzle. 'Til next time....
Posted at 7:00 PM | |
Monday, February 18, 2008
Perchance to dream
If you're tired of my whining, stop reading now.
I'm a mess.
I cried in the doctor's office today. Why? Because I was awake? I am, therefore I cry. I don't know. I've been abnormally weepy of late. I had an appointment today in regard to my chronic neck muscle problems and I nearly walked out of there with anti-depressants. It didn't help that my blood pressure was through the roof prompting a set up of daily visits for the next month to monitor it.
I squeaked by as "mildly depressed" on the Depression Scale so the happy drugs were nixed in favor of the mild muscle relaxant to help me sleep and, we hope, to bring down the blood pressure.
Ah, sleep. Not something I do a lot of these days. I'm in a feed-back loop of self-torture. Emotional pain feeds the body pain feeds the emotional pain feeds the... ad infinitum. I've played a billion games of solitaire on my iPhone on into the wee hours of the morning. I've Twittered haiku to pass the time. I've watched a marathon of Discovery Channel episodes. Ask me anything about the universe or the ultimate destruction of mankind - I'm a font of information.
I'm pretty certain of what is feeding all this physical and emotional angst. I've been dusting my own brain for about six months now in an effort to get it under control. Unfortunately, it's not a single thing, but an "all of the above" on the multiple choice life quiz. Pick an issue - I can assure you it's on the list.
In about ten minutes I will take one of the mild muscle relaxants. I don't expect it to work immediately. I do expect to sleep a little better tonight, though, in light of the fact I didn't get to sleep last night until 4:00 am. Part insomnia and part wanting to stretch my three day weekend to as long as possible.
Like I said. I'm a mess.
I'm a mess.
I cried in the doctor's office today. Why? Because I was awake? I am, therefore I cry. I don't know. I've been abnormally weepy of late. I had an appointment today in regard to my chronic neck muscle problems and I nearly walked out of there with anti-depressants. It didn't help that my blood pressure was through the roof prompting a set up of daily visits for the next month to monitor it.
I squeaked by as "mildly depressed" on the Depression Scale so the happy drugs were nixed in favor of the mild muscle relaxant to help me sleep and, we hope, to bring down the blood pressure.
Ah, sleep. Not something I do a lot of these days. I'm in a feed-back loop of self-torture. Emotional pain feeds the body pain feeds the emotional pain feeds the... ad infinitum. I've played a billion games of solitaire on my iPhone on into the wee hours of the morning. I've Twittered haiku to pass the time. I've watched a marathon of Discovery Channel episodes. Ask me anything about the universe or the ultimate destruction of mankind - I'm a font of information.
I'm pretty certain of what is feeding all this physical and emotional angst. I've been dusting my own brain for about six months now in an effort to get it under control. Unfortunately, it's not a single thing, but an "all of the above" on the multiple choice life quiz. Pick an issue - I can assure you it's on the list.
In about ten minutes I will take one of the mild muscle relaxants. I don't expect it to work immediately. I do expect to sleep a little better tonight, though, in light of the fact I didn't get to sleep last night until 4:00 am. Part insomnia and part wanting to stretch my three day weekend to as long as possible.
Like I said. I'm a mess.
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Labels: Life
Posted at 6:54 PM | |
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Avoiding the potholes...
There's a stretch of road in my town that, up until recently, was devoid of buildings and traffic. It winds between the highway and the small airport on a north/south route for about two miles. It's a route I enjoyed taking because, most times, I'd be the only driver on the road. I could wind my way slowly or push my speed to challenge the curves, worry free that there'd be other drivers to contend with - low risk and, well, relaxing.
It's no longer an empty road. Progress has invaded with a surge that includes and strip shopping center, a Super Target and a new Embassy Suites hotel - and that's only the beginning. Traffic has picked up, more stoplights have been installed and my enjoyment of a lazy two mile ride has been spoiled by shoppers hell bent to beat the next car to the best parking space.
Oddly, this road came to mind today as sort of a metaphor for some experiences of the last few weeks.
-----------------------
I'm not a person who enjoys controversy, nor do I like to stray very far from routine. I like things to stay on an even keel and agreeable. I'd like to say that this sort of existence brings me a nice level of peace of mind and tranquility. The truth is, though, I tend to take it too far and bury my head in the sand. I've become an expert at avoiding the uncomfortable. This has resulted in a solid pain in the neck - quite literally - that I have struggled to get under control in the last couple of years.
But I'm digressing a bit. On the personal front, in the last few weeks I experienced the death of a colleague and the announcement from my best buddy his wife is leaving him. On the work front - our office is the champion of low morale and poor working conditions. On the external front - the election has me more concerned than any previous election has in my lifetime. My nice, empty, winding life road is filling with with unavoidable traffic.
What I want to address with this post, though, is the last concern - the election. I got so wound up about this that by Friday of this last week, I was having small bouts of uncontrollable and irrational tears throughout the day. I wound myself up so tight that Friday night, I had perhaps the worst nightmare I've had in a long time, if not ever. I woke up panting and scared.
The source of this angst began with my indecisiveness over who would get my vote in my state's presidential primary. As a registered Democrat, I had two choices - Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. My lead choice, John Edwards, had dropped out of the race. I took every chance to talk with friends and read everything I could in an attempt to make a decision. The critical factor for me was who was the better candidate to win the general election. Which one could beat McCain?
Getting the Republicans out of the White House is extremely important to me. I firmly believe Bush's administration will go down in history as one of the worst - if not the worst - our nation has ever had the misfortune to experience. I also firmly believe that another Republican administration will do little to clean up GW's mess and nothing for bringing the kind of change and leadership the nation needs to get back on track and strong again.
I was equally divided between Hillary and Obama. Not so some of my friends. The fuse to my extreme angst was lit after a conversation with a good friend and a response from another friend to a post on my other blog. Both of these individuals stated that, for them, it would be Obama or no-one. They unequivocally and unabashedly hate Hillary Clinton to the extent that if she were to get the nomination, they would choose not to vote..
I can't understand it. The hatred borders on the irrational. I launched a search on the internet in an effort to understand and found that there is quite a faction of people out there that share this extreme hatred. It goes beyond a disagreement with policy - Hillary and Obama are nearly identical on their issue positions, so it isn't that. It is vitriolic, vehement and unwavering hatred.
But that expression of hatred isn't what wadded me into a ball of angst. It was the statement that if Hillary Clinton ends up being the nominee, these individuals that have this hatred for her, would throw away their vote and not vote. I love my friends, but I can't respect that choice. I'd rather see them give their vote to McCain then to waste it in some petulant protest that proves nothing. Giving that vote to McCain might serve to make them think about what is at risk with another Republican administration:
I could go on, but I'll stop there.
I've managed to calm myself down. I actually got a stretch of good sleep last night - a rare thing. I believe the haters are a minority and that whichever one gets the nomination will have the fight of their life to get elected. Either one will be fine by me. I urge my friends to rethink - really consider what not voting accomplishes - what would really be achieved by throwing that fundamental right away?
--------------------------
One last thought on my metaphorical drive. My quiet two mile stretch of winding road has a disturbing landmark. A tree was planted on the divide where someone died in an accident. No doubt a young one who felt the need to push the boundaries and had something to prove. I'll leave you to ponder on whatever you wish to extract from that.
It's no longer an empty road. Progress has invaded with a surge that includes and strip shopping center, a Super Target and a new Embassy Suites hotel - and that's only the beginning. Traffic has picked up, more stoplights have been installed and my enjoyment of a lazy two mile ride has been spoiled by shoppers hell bent to beat the next car to the best parking space.
Oddly, this road came to mind today as sort of a metaphor for some experiences of the last few weeks.
-----------------------
I'm not a person who enjoys controversy, nor do I like to stray very far from routine. I like things to stay on an even keel and agreeable. I'd like to say that this sort of existence brings me a nice level of peace of mind and tranquility. The truth is, though, I tend to take it too far and bury my head in the sand. I've become an expert at avoiding the uncomfortable. This has resulted in a solid pain in the neck - quite literally - that I have struggled to get under control in the last couple of years.
But I'm digressing a bit. On the personal front, in the last few weeks I experienced the death of a colleague and the announcement from my best buddy his wife is leaving him. On the work front - our office is the champion of low morale and poor working conditions. On the external front - the election has me more concerned than any previous election has in my lifetime. My nice, empty, winding life road is filling with with unavoidable traffic.
What I want to address with this post, though, is the last concern - the election. I got so wound up about this that by Friday of this last week, I was having small bouts of uncontrollable and irrational tears throughout the day. I wound myself up so tight that Friday night, I had perhaps the worst nightmare I've had in a long time, if not ever. I woke up panting and scared.
The source of this angst began with my indecisiveness over who would get my vote in my state's presidential primary. As a registered Democrat, I had two choices - Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. My lead choice, John Edwards, had dropped out of the race. I took every chance to talk with friends and read everything I could in an attempt to make a decision. The critical factor for me was who was the better candidate to win the general election. Which one could beat McCain?
Getting the Republicans out of the White House is extremely important to me. I firmly believe Bush's administration will go down in history as one of the worst - if not the worst - our nation has ever had the misfortune to experience. I also firmly believe that another Republican administration will do little to clean up GW's mess and nothing for bringing the kind of change and leadership the nation needs to get back on track and strong again.
I was equally divided between Hillary and Obama. Not so some of my friends. The fuse to my extreme angst was lit after a conversation with a good friend and a response from another friend to a post on my other blog. Both of these individuals stated that, for them, it would be Obama or no-one. They unequivocally and unabashedly hate Hillary Clinton to the extent that if she were to get the nomination, they would choose not to vote..
I can't understand it. The hatred borders on the irrational. I launched a search on the internet in an effort to understand and found that there is quite a faction of people out there that share this extreme hatred. It goes beyond a disagreement with policy - Hillary and Obama are nearly identical on their issue positions, so it isn't that. It is vitriolic, vehement and unwavering hatred.
But that expression of hatred isn't what wadded me into a ball of angst. It was the statement that if Hillary Clinton ends up being the nominee, these individuals that have this hatred for her, would throw away their vote and not vote. I love my friends, but I can't respect that choice. I'd rather see them give their vote to McCain then to waste it in some petulant protest that proves nothing. Giving that vote to McCain might serve to make them think about what is at risk with another Republican administration:
- the loss of even more of the individual rights that the Bush administration has chipped away in the last eight years.
- the perpetuation of a war that is wasting billions of dollars that could be better spent on a crumbling infrastructure and rebuilding the farce that is "Homeland Security."
- up to another decade before real progress can be made in the Health Care crisis.
- a worsening of the economy, more job-loss to off-shore and overseas interests, and increased unemployment...
I could go on, but I'll stop there.
I've managed to calm myself down. I actually got a stretch of good sleep last night - a rare thing. I believe the haters are a minority and that whichever one gets the nomination will have the fight of their life to get elected. Either one will be fine by me. I urge my friends to rethink - really consider what not voting accomplishes - what would really be achieved by throwing that fundamental right away?
--------------------------
One last thought on my metaphorical drive. My quiet two mile stretch of winding road has a disturbing landmark. A tree was planted on the divide where someone died in an accident. No doubt a young one who felt the need to push the boundaries and had something to prove. I'll leave you to ponder on whatever you wish to extract from that.
Labels: Politics
Posted at 7:15 PM | |
